temps malheureux

Sep 30, 2014

nostalgia’s weight in tears and silence
a record relaying emotion with science
requisite notions motioning compliance
habits i’ve had like corporal reliance
had it been better it’d be ever since
but bad time’s in time will always relent
measure my joy in feathers and then
burn all our pictures and letters sent
forget all the times and hours spent
loving each other whatever that meant
hope when it’d come and less when it went
affection so heavy i broke and i bent
down on my luck occasionally lent

a pensive pencil burning paper and leaves
to get to know a person ask how they grieve
true romance ain’t pedantic it cuts and weaves
people apart from themselves together they bleed
a gamble on prospects existential greed
a lust for a love that satisfies needs
and leaves you confronted by melancholy
hearts held in place like a nest in a tree
branches that break in circumstantial breeze
the science of why we get weak at the knees
in situations it’s best to speak up and flee
we run amok in possibility and forget to breathe

Jul 15, 2014

i got tunnel visioned pipe bomb dreams, a
claw-hammer tongue run on ten sided dice
safety pin buttons poking me at the seams
fifteen market-moms telling me to be nice
i got a chip on my shoulder but it’s mostly hot air
conscience gotta crick because it’s too much to bear
jiminy rickets i’ve built my hopes up to fall
but a loser like me don’t need to wonder at all

i know i’m gonna end up starting over again
new leaves same tree Dutch Escher disease
masochistic mezzotints of needles and pins
scratching records broken in tantrums and gin
stumbling down streets that i ain’t ever known
knocking on truth but it ain’t ever home
i’ll die before i know that i’ve ever lived
poor as ever because you get what you give

Dec 19, 2013

we fooled around in a little house
up in the mountains somewhere
our naked bodies relaxed
my fingers entwined in your hair
we went outside in a warm rain
and just as i knew it, it was gone
a warm sixty eight, clear as could be
the sun hit you just right
and for a moment i lost my sight

yeah i still chase you around
in my nights right through my dreams
i don’t know if i’d call this enjoyment
but i know that i can’t make it stop
i have decided i may well enjoy this
i’m undecided so far as what it means

so we sat in the sun for a short time
as bodies became dressed for the day
i wanted to give you something beautiful
i wanted you to share it with me
so we hopped on our bikes and we rode
right through under-construction roads
i followed your glow in the alleys
and your laughter when it got too dark
but either way i knew that we’d make it
and for once i can say that we did

yeah i still chase you around
in my nights right through my dreams
i don’t know if i’d call this enjoyment
but i know that i can’t make it stop
i have decided i may well enjoy this
but i don’t fucking know what it means

you got ahead of me through a sand trap
i rode as fast as i could just to catch up
when i found your bike lying on the ground
i knew that eventually you’d be around
i saw you moving in the dim moon light
and i ran at you without making a sound
i lifted you into the air and then i was lost
i felt the weight fall out my bones and chest
and we laughed until we were lost

Dec 19, 2013

ain’t gonna live past twenty five 
if i don’t find a reason not to die
a reason to believe in being alive
i feel that i should i just don’t know why

there ain’t nobody like me because i ain’t nobody
there ain’t no one who’s anyone who knows me
but i know that if i don’t find a small house in the country
that i’m bound to find a grave in this town

i’m free just so long as i don’t have to be
i’m a good man who makes bad company
i can’t speak with out starting a fight
and you know that i know it’s not right

Jan 21, 2013

You know right now I’m angry, 
I’m broke, and I am fighting every day.
What I’m fighting for I do so happily,
Like food, family, and another day to play.
Fifty years now from I’ll still be angry,
With what I’m too young to know,
Hope it’s not still for love and anarchy,
Just for love and nice little place to go.

When I’m feeling down, like underground,
When not one of my friends can be found.
Somewhere I can still smoke and drink,
Without worrying what you fuckers think.

You know right now I’m lost,
I’m confused and wander all about,
Finding hypocrisy to accost,
Tinnitus silent as I shout.
I shout about how stupid I am,
And shout about more stupid things,
I drink and shout about Uncle Sam,
I even shout when I try to sing.

About how you used to look at me,
And how it’d make me so fucking happy,
But I can hardly see those eyes now,
Goddamn I just don’t know how.

I don’t know how to take care of myself,
I don’t know why I suck so much,
But I’m sick of worrying about all my health,
Using my tragedy as a crutch.
I wish I had the words to say,
Oh god I wish I even had a syllable,
That I don’t give a fuck anyway,
About being comfortable.

Oh god, oh god, good golly you son of a bitch,
I’m ill, so ill, god damn I’m fucking sick,
Why me, why me, why’m I such a dick,
God damn, god damn, who’s got the upperhand?
Why can’t I know who knows who knows just who I am?

Jan 7, 2013

Pity I, the eternally transient
Shrill ears all but ambient
Dormant, embers calmed in me
Silent save for solemn soliloquy
Sleep a burden as I dream and fold
Fray so young, ambition’s grow old
Perpetual, monotonous, pedantic as this
Am I so helpless to curiosity’s kiss
A heart so brazen in a man this meek
Existential lust that burns in my cheek
My smile masticates all verity
Woe, my fault, for you not knowing me

Nov 27, 2012

fuck any country that spends more on inmates and incarceration than students and education
dropping the dime in no time but promoting a future of crime
illiterate bastards black white and latino getting bred for bars
fifty grand for every inmate in chino and double on a cop car
kids spending half their life in prison for smoking some weed
losing their years watching murderers and rapists being freed

i’m not for it or how we ignore it i’m sick of this shit like i abhor it
it’s glorified genocide taking young lives from family like omar gadhafi
you with me? you’d better be and ready to participate in some anarchy
pipe bombs and bike chains pull back on the reins so you think that’s insane
look inside your brain go against the grain train yourself to abstain
from the man’s bullshit social accessorizing and being fit to the system
look for your fellow man for a helping hand and figured you just missed them
the greatest friend won’t let it end and again and again they
will stop you before you trade your molotovs for shopping malls
your heart races as you get the call you dropped the ball now
downtown’s just getting built to fall like dominoes like dodos corporate komodos
one bite and you’re loco dying and paranoid being followed by demons
right now you’re hot cocoa burning and sweating like el nino in Acapulco
met a man who called me trash i said i don’t mean to be crass but
thanks to your bourgeoisie family you’ll get paid and get made
into a stunning man with a perfect shave and be so well behaved
making sure to skim off the top whenever the roads get paved
using cash you saved by cutting school funding to pay for tax breaks you gave
to people who crave nothing more than the destruction of the american dream

and i pity a future where no city can suture the rips in our american flag
because no one remembers how to sew or to stitch and never had to drag
their asses to work a twelve hour day people with too many bills to pay
who digressed from comfort for equality and those hurt by commodity
the broken but strong who’s long faces have longed for some kind of hope
who may never have found it but kept working around it hoping to cope
saving up on the side for whatever might hide how truly terrible life can be
but you can trust me it must be better now than it would be without
i’d rather be who i am right now with no hope anyhow than be anyone else at all
because the people will rise and when we rise we’ll watch the mighty fall


Nov 19, 2012

Wear your sorrow on your shoulder like you’re some kind of soldier well you’re not, you’re just one more fucking kid who can’t make himself fit into a life you’ve helped create. Oh you’ve moved away and ain’t life great now you’d wish that you’d stayed, with people you love in that fascist fucked to death run down midwest town. 
So you’ve got it rough well don’t we all but don’t shit yourself every time that you fall - you’re only making things worse we can’t even converse you just rumble like a hearse, is that what you wanna be?

Throwing up in the front yard stumble up your stairs gotta brain full of doubt and a head full of hair where did your ambitions go? Are they in the sink with your broken glasses or in the street with all your broken classes why don’t you forget yourself and help your friends isn’t that what it’s all for in the end? You always said that that’s all you need!
You’re fighting now in a dim lit street watching as you bleed to the torn shoes on your feet do you feel tough now do you feel alright? Do you feel like an asshole because I think you might. Walk on home and watch the stars you’re paranoid now being watched from cars are the risks you take worth the pain do you feel stronger now because son you look drained.
The streetlights flicker and the air is cold pull out your lighter and the joint you rolled waiting for your ride that never showed up waiting for your savior but he doesn’t give a fuck just what you do or what you say he knows you know you’ll die, anyway.
Make it home safe and fall in your bed replay the day through your fucked up head do you think that it helps all this thinking can’t help well i think that we thought up hell. Have you tried feeling lately it’s like thinking with your heart it’s probably worth it in the end but I’ll be here friend because I know it sucks to start.

Oct 11, 2012

I suppose, that’s it’s just too much to ask,
Y’I suppose, that I’m just being selfish.
But I know that nothing in this world’s gonna last,
And companionship’s my only wish.
A gentle correspondence when I’m away,
And a love like a mountain when I’m not.
Millions of years could make it so gray,
But those millions of years sure could love a lot.

When we are old and our body’s are but a hill,

I will love you like a mountain, yeah, I always will.
When the streams dry and trees fall dead,
I’ll tell you you’re as beautiful as the day we wed. 
When I’m dying and my brain has fallen apart,
I will be thankful I had you looking after my heart.

Now you know I’m not happy man never have been,
But I nearly died the day I met and so very man since,
I didn’t doubt that I loved you right there and right then,
You are the princess to this so undeserving prince.
We’ll never have a castle maybe not even a home,
At least not until awhile after our education,
But know that you’ll never ever have to be alone,
No matter the city darling, no matter the nation.

When we are old and our body’s are but a hill,
I will love you like a mountain, yeah, I always will.
When the streams dry and trees fall dead,
I’ll tell you you’re as beautiful as the day we wed. 
When I’m dying and my brain has fallen apart,
I will be thankful I had you looking after my heart.
Ohhwowooh, oh oh oh oh, and the tears that’re shed,
On our mutual death bed,
Will never dampen our spirits,
So here’s to our afterlife.
Where I’ll still be your man,
And you’ll still be my wife.
I’ll always be your man,
You’ll always be my wife.

Oct 4, 2012

It’s been twenty longs years since I was nothing,
Yeah twenty long years.
And now I’m sitting here, may as well be nothing,
Yeah I could just disappear, oh disappear.

Without a woman’s lovin’ I am just too scared,
Yeah far too scared.
To wake up in the morning and breath this air,
Knowing I ain’t nothin’ without a woman so fair.

You can keep your Bible you can keep it all,
I know I’ll walk as tall,
With a sweet little lady on my arms we’ll walk,
Close together through the leaves of fall.

I’m no part of any group or affiliations,
No I’m but a liaison.
Accompanying women to the realization,
That to love is life, sans reparations.

So I suppose I’ll pack it up, then head out,
That’s what it’s all about.
Going from city to city conquering doubts,
Find the secrets of life with which I will shout.

My only longing is comfort, to hold and be held,
That’s my heaven, this my hell.
Loneliness dwelling in the cracks on the bucket,
Spilling ambition right back into the well, oh well.
Till I find a woman I’ll keep on saying fuck it,
So if you find une belle fille please, do tell.

Sep 14, 2012

My death, however ineluctable, isn’t what ails me;
I will welcome each day and its possibilities.
My trepidation doesn’t lie in my passing’s details,
But living without elation, and all that entails.
I’ve lead a life that only a specific few could admire,
A smile on my face in the face of all that is dire.

I don’t believe in god, man, law, or anarchy;
But find hope in love and love in our frailty.
If a red string leads the path toward a lover,
How long until we will find one another?
I’ll spend my whole life searching and saying,
"She is my religion, and this journey my praying."  

But if perchance the Moirai should ignore my plea,
I will surely find myself in nihilism or apathy.
A man is only old when he finds reason to hate,
And how I keep telling my self I’ll never relate.
I swear that I’ll find something to believe in,
Sincere as an abandoned house or small wedding.

But when I die will I be buried and forgotten,
If I live for myself and treat friends only rotten.
If I let the worst get all the best of what is me,
I will have no reason for forgiveness or empathy.
If everyone knows the feeling then I’ve no excuse,
If I’m not seeking it salvation’s truly no use. 

What will be my reward, my perfect white dove? 
Knowing I’ve done all for those who I’ve loved,
And being able to give them a love with worth.
Where is my heaven, my perpetual mirth?
Any Autumn day I’ve spent, wandering alone,
Down avenues I’ll lose while I’m getting stoned.

Jul 10, 2012

winter came and planted seeds of dissatisfaction in my soul
their dormancy undone by the summer sun and they’re growing
roots crawling ‘round my heart and scratching me as i breathe
little leaves unfolding the layers in my skin are showing
the heat is pouring sweat to nourish and nurture them
and i can’t commit to their life without actually knowing
just where the hell the winds will carry them off too

people are noticing the longing that’s grown over my eyes
people are telling me that they don’t like where i am going
well people telling me anything should know that i’m just fine
doing what i’m doing and doing it all on my own time

my husk is cracking now and i’m losing all control
of where or when i will see the fruits of all this time spent
cultivating this unknown strain of unadulterated curiosity
oh my god and just where has all of my time went?
will my crop bring me fortune or will i starve and die?
will what i bring to the table poison all my loved ones?
will i find my truths or just keeping telling myself these lies?

people are noticing the dark spots growing under my eyes
people are telling me that they’ve been where i am going
well people telling me anything should known then i am fine
doing what you’ve done but doing it in a way purely mine

these achenes are crawling towards the sky now
leaving behind ties and bridges and patched farms
my soul will be dispersed and grow where i will pace
thinking about a better time and forgetting my old face
i will burn down all that crawls between my branches
knowing i will forever be in the roots that will take place
in the roots that will take place
my soul will live on in all the roots that will take place

Jun 28, 2012

i drove you home that night on your twenty-first birthday,
drunk in my passenger’s seat and i swallowed the words i’d say;
you’re still with him and it’s not my place but he is undeserving,
no woman should be with a man if he’s so unaware of her hurting.
and no friend of mine should ever think that no one’s got your back,
i’ve set my terms with the world and she’ll help me pick up the slack.

Jun 21, 2012

You know I’m like a vampire, and I only snack on addicts,
Steal their N64 and throw a Mario Party in their attics.
I wait until they get fucked up and play sneaky tricks,
Like hiding their stash and drawing mustaches on their lips.

But I’m also like a robot blowing smoke ‘ones’ and ‘zeroes’,
Moving music to my buddies using my pirated Nero.
Translating things to English for them like “Yo quiero-“
(Taco Bell)
Oh and the Robot and Robo boogie are all I know.

Sometimes I’m a fucking wizard like Gandalf the Green,
A confused concoction of the clean, obscene, and unseen,
If you really know me I think you know what I mean,
Like how I feel when I’m high listening to “Tangerine.”

I am also a turtle in the sense that I like to hide away,
Hoping for a turtle friend with who I could spend my rainy days.
Spending days inside shell hoping the world will go away,
Killing time and staying safe from the worst of animate clay.

But right now I’m just myself be it for better or for worse,
Enjoying my days and not worry about nurses or hearses,
I’m biding my time smoking and writing interspersed,
Ready to conquer the world and this entire universe.

Right now I’m drunk again in in your passenger’s seat,
Telling you I loved you but that we shouldn’t ever speak,
Puking on the sidewalks and all I can hear is your name,
I’m cursing the streetlights and yelling in vein.

Jun 17, 2012

There’re wars being waged against all things, 
We glorify it and our heart swells as bells ring,
The red white and blue fanning the flames,
An army of people with numbers not names.
There’s a war against about what I sing,
Because the man’s scared of what knowledge brings,
But we the people are done with this game,
My lyrics aren’t written to kill but to maim.

Because unlike the people that seek to control,
I don’t believe anyone has the right to take life,
It’s not their place and you know it’s not mine,
Yet I wield this cheap mic like a knife.
Your ideas aren’t worth the time it took to lie,
About all the people that you knew would surely die,
In the wars you’ve been waging against us,
Casualties of mothers and fathers and trust.

I don’t know what person could possess the quality,
To be so self empowered they think they can control me,
But I’ll gladly spend my entire life as one big debate,
Affirmatively asserting you cannot assert your hate.
I don’t know how we’ve grown so deep in apathy,
Towards the people that control what we can breathe,
But I think it’s due time and I hope you agree,
That it’s time to teach our politicians about democracy.

Not special interests or wrongfully lauded rhetoric,
Not ignorant speeches and a surplus of big sticks,
Not foreign oil and sending our kids off to war,
And not cushioning the rich’s fall with our poor.
No I want to teach them about what life is like,
To the broke black kid caught stealing his first bike,
How every working stiff feels when his home is taken,
And how it feels to get handcuffed for waking and baking.