temps malheureux

Sep 11, 2014

i am a pathetic boy

Sep 8, 2014

過去には針である
私の枕に隠された
私は目を覚まし保つ

"the past is a needle
hidden in my pillow
keeping me awake”

Aug 28, 2014

today the sunset grew lavenders into the clouds
i was embarrassed that i couldn’t grow the same

Jul 22, 2014

no one accepts me
and no one expects me
to be so very unruly
and sweet so very truly
and still i’m a pillar
so still in the sunlight
i am the dusty miller
so still i’ve found dust

some people respect me
and no one suspects me
a tree sitting so quietly
roots planted in anarchy
and yet we’re similar
no one get’s it quite right
the late poet Schiller,
'it is not flesh and blood
but the heart’

some people dissect me
and someone perfects me
puzzles of such complexity
solved so unexpectedly
and still i’m a killer
my hope without a fight
tossed to the distiller
no will without trust

Jul 15, 2014

i got tunnel visioned pipe bomb dreams, a
claw-hammer tongue run on ten sided dice
safety pin buttons poking me at the seams
fifteen market-moms telling me to be nice
i got a chip on my shoulder but it’s mostly hot air
conscience gotta crick because it’s too much to bear
jiminy rickets i’ve built my hopes up to fall
but a loser like me don’t need to wonder at all

i know i’m gonna end up starting over again
new leaves same tree Dutch Escher disease
masochistic mezzotints of needles and pins
scratching records broken in tantrums and gin
stumbling down streets that i ain’t ever known
knocking on truth but it ain’t ever home
i’ll die before i know that i’ve ever lived
poor as ever because you get what you give

Jul 1, 2014

you were a dream
a gentle soft sleep
but now it seems
you were my coma
i woke up last year
but still how i seek
your voice in my ear
bitter-sweet as soma

you killed my ego
i would’ve thanked you but
then you let me go
alone in a world that didn’t want me
and i think
that you were the worst
thing to happen to me
and that’s saying something
and i know
that you were the best
at making me flee
from city to city without relief

i hope that you see
this heart beats eternally
and ever regretfully

i was never a martyr
i was never selfless
everything i gave up
was for you
to benefit me
my entire world’s axis
centered on you being happy
but now it doesn’t
i spin in circles
watermarks from beer cans
making rings you won’t find
on those small cold hands
that wrung me out dry
that didn’t wave goodbye
knowing well it wasn’t good
no fear that i could die
knowing well i already had
and never asking why

fuck you.

Dec 31, 2013

you’ve made a god in your own image
and god damn if your god isn’t a cunt
the vagueness of his neon visage
leads the ignorant into amazement
counting sheep as i stand outside the mall
naivety brazen as your wallets burn
praying madly while building a great wall
separating countrymen by what they earn
go fuck yourselves and your fascist ways
go fuck yourselves in the beds that you’ve made
of the dreams and backs of the working class
warmed by the flames of the fields you’ve razed
propaganda propagated by posters of men
in pressed black suits and cold gray eyes
you stole our freedom wrapped and then
you sold it back to us to pay for your lies
"i’ve seen the promised land and it begs
for an exodus of all the blacks and fags
my god is loving and he can be yours too!”
as ‘amen’ echoes from the chosen few
hand picked from southern plantations
by kentucky gentry with bright blue eyes
they sell you trans fats for rations
then shame you for your thick thighs
fuck you if you think that we’re through
the cadences of hope still reside in us all
beating in our hearts one two, one two
waiting for rioting to finally answer our call
yeah we’re waiting for rioting or nothing at all

Dec 28, 2013

I’m somewhere between the realization that the existence of anything around me is beautiful and meaningful and wondrous and powerful, and just wanting to kill myself because none of it seems to mean shit to me.

Dec 19, 2013

we fooled around in a little house
up in the mountains somewhere
our naked bodies relaxed
my fingers entwined in your hair
we went outside in a warm rain
and just as i knew it, it was gone
a warm sixty eight, clear as could be
the sun hit you just right
and for a moment i lost my sight

yeah i still chase you around
in my nights right through my dreams
i don’t know if i’d call this enjoyment
but i know that i can’t make it stop
i have decided i may well enjoy this
i’m undecided so far as what it means

so we sat in the sun for a short time
as bodies became dressed for the day
i wanted to give you something beautiful
i wanted you to share it with me
so we hopped on our bikes and we rode
right through under-construction roads
i followed your glow in the alleys
and your laughter when it got too dark
but either way i knew that we’d make it
and for once i can say that we did

yeah i still chase you around
in my nights right through my dreams
i don’t know if i’d call this enjoyment
but i know that i can’t make it stop
i have decided i may well enjoy this
but i don’t fucking know what it means

you got ahead of me through a sand trap
i rode as fast as i could just to catch up
when i found your bike lying on the ground
i knew that eventually you’d be around
i saw you moving in the dim moon light
and i ran at you without making a sound
i lifted you into the air and then i was lost
i felt the weight fall out my bones and chest
and we laughed until we were lost

Dec 19, 2013

ain’t gonna live past twenty five 
if i don’t find a reason not to die
a reason to believe in being alive
i feel that i should i just don’t know why

there ain’t nobody like me because i ain’t nobody
there ain’t no one who’s anyone who knows me
but i know that if i don’t find a small house in the country
that i’m bound to find a grave in this town

i’m free just so long as i don’t have to be
i’m a good man who makes bad company
i can’t speak with out starting a fight
and you know that i know it’s not right

Dec 16, 2013

you were my lover, now you’re a lesson
but learning don’t lessen the pain oh no
you were my lady, now you are less than
the sum of your parts, a real bargain
all it took was my naive romance
and a hopeless girl in my cold hands
to turn me from a lover into a lesson
i was your man now i’m a lesson
you can’t love what you don’t trust
six long years two cherries and bust
we can’t reap what’s sown if we don’t care
we can’t reap what’s sown if we don’t care
you withheld the water flowing like your hair
a river on top of a head that don’t care
in your eyes i thought i saw my life
thought i saw kids and saw a little wife
that ball and chain it never looked so good
then you left me like you thought i would
yeah you left me like you thought i could
look at how wrong two kids can be
trading love for a love to be free
so selfish that can’t neither quite see
what’s in front of them yeah and me
so eager to run so eager to flee
so eager to sing about melancholy
fueled by years of apathy
maybe you kicking me out’s the kick i need
to quit following girls and start to lead
a life of my own without no regards
a life of my own but god damn it’s hard
without a sweet jane by my side
i’m likely to run and run and hide
but that’ll be true just like this was a lie
seeking something genuine like wanting to die
seeing nothing genuine through tears i cry
seeking something genuine like not wanting to try
but everything’s glimmering through tears i cry

Dec 9, 2013

i wish the burning in my heart
would stop the frostbite on my fingers
but this love is the worst part
and still i know my hope will linger
it will draw through seas of doubts
like blood diluted a million fold
i will fight and bawl and shout
but without you i fear growing old
i’m scared to wake up in the morning
i’m calling in to work and lying
pulse, pressure, and pain are soaring
it’s no stretch to say that i am dying
my aunt died just a few days ago
she was married for seventy odd years
her husband the veteran didn’t know
pain until he had to wipe his own tears
and now i feel that i’ve only saved time
that life is worthless once we die
if it isn’t worthless not calling you mine
living is horrible, but worse with every ‘why’

Nov 30, 2013

all my brain needs to know is that the heart knows best

Oct 10, 2013

if you want to cry it’s alright with me
come over and i will cry with you
no i ain’t all that sad, not tonight
but there’s such beauty in your honesty
some people see the world through leaves
through giant oaks and gentle winds
roots take hold in your heart and soul
we’ll weep together you me and the trees

Oct 7, 2013

'i just figured you had the munchies'

- my mom coming over just to chat and give me some blueberry/raspberry muffins she made.